*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
You Might Also Like
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Good morning, Twitter x
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.