[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
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If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”