The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
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Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
(True)
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.