Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
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Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
CRYING
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
your honor my client chooses dare
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over