Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.