Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
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[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.