Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
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Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
i did the math
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
HOW DARE YOU
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.