Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
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Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
birds and squirrels envy us
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.