Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
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friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Customer is always right
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.