Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I have many caverns
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.