Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
incredible book dedication
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes