Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
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ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
how long have you had this for?
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line