Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
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When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
why no one uses midhusbands