@briancthayer: Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
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@FattMernandez: I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let's go for pancakes.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion and says he's Bob Marley reincarnated, proving you can actually overdose on marijuana.
@TheDairylandDon: I swallow at least one note per meal that says "we're all really proud of you," in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.