Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
You Might Also Like
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
She was REALLY feeling it.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
🤣
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options