*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
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Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.