*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
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*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
waiting for halloween be like:
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Breaking news:
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.