angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
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I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I like crazy people until they notice me
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I feel seen
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.