*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
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Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?