*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
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My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
United Steaks of America
I am crying
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
🤣🤣🤣
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”