Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out