Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
You Might Also Like
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
something like this could probably happen to anyone
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions