-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
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Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people