I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
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I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”