Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
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Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Tuesday
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job