Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
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[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
dutch so unserious
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows