Spotted in New Orleans.
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.