[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
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Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone