SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
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Science memes
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping