SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
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Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)