@thispartyislame: Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn't die. Now I'm just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
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@InternetHippo: TRUMP: She’s too scripted HILLARY (reading from teleprompter): Mr. Trump, (voice steadily rising) Adobe Reader is ready to update
@Michael_Erhart: [Sea fishing] Me: This is fun. [Deep sea fishing] Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it's not fish they're after.
@theresa_lauren: "Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on