My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
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TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
That’s a good costume, I hope.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Not helping
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?