Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
You Might Also Like
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”