[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
You Might Also Like
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible