*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
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If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.