[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
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There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?