Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
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I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
This could be us… but you playing
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*