torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
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It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
when nothing goes right… go left
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*