Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
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If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Cinematography is my passion
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?