@noog: Squirrels run around like they're being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@QwertyJones3: [Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses] HER: So what kind of car do you drive? ME: A bookmobile.
@Douchekevin: A 25 year old just told me she's gonna rock my world. I'm 47 so I assume she's gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice
@TheAlexNevil: Shoulder Devil: So I say "Go on--do it!" And the moron does it! Shoulder Angel: What an idiot! Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
@brennadine: [High Stakes Poker] Dealer: Are you in or are you out? Schrödinger's Cat: [For the 20th time] BOTH [Player flips table]