Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
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I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”