Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@noog: Squirrels run around like they're being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
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@_mindflakes: Me: Siri how much moss is it safe to eat Siri: I wasn't built for this Me: Siri, the moss Siri: Please let me go back to the phone factory

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@WineMummy: Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

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@PellMull: Everyone is unique. Except you. You are not unique. You are the only not unique person in human history.

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@ToneLoaf: If you beep your horn .004 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off the car, lay on the hood and feed the birds for an hour.

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