Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
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My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
just pretend nothing happened
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube