In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
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I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Time for evil
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
This forever.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”