St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
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How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Said the murderer.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I am, perchance
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.