St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
one last job
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.