@TheTweetOfGod: St. Patrick's Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.
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@simoncholland: My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
@steveolivas: Asked my wife if I was going to get a "tip" for driving her around today. She laughed and laughed. Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
@jessokfine: If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
@_blotty: [ocean's 11 music] So here's the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it's a cash playground boys