You take the oxy out of oxymoron
You Might Also Like
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Dear Lord..
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.