i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
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[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
#parenting
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?