[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
You Might Also Like
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!