Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
You Might Also Like
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.