STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
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Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”