@NickMcNevich: Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest
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@Smethanie: Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.
@VivaVeronica122: My boyfriend says I'm kind of selfish, but that's not true. I often think of other people. When I'm having sex with him.
@Heather2Go: Ironman is my favorite story about how sleep deprivation can make you a sarcastic, neurotic superhero without being a parent.
@MrGeorgeWallace: Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.