Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
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[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?