Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
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If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF